"If Only", "I Wish" and other forms of make believe...

My mother passed away 15 years ago this month. The fourth of July, actually. I remember thinking that night as we watched the fireworks explode into splinters of light in the sky, how quietly she had died. The life went out of her as smoothly as a lamp ceases to burn when the oil is gone.

She has not left my heart nor my memory that easily. And I don't want her to. So often, as I walk through the day I think, "If only mom was here to see this". "I wish mom was here to talk to about this." "If only mom could have heard that story. She'd have laughed herself into mild hysteria." "I wish...." "If only...."

I wonder what she's doing? It's certainly not hard to envision her as an angel. I never saw her as anything other than that. She was always, each and every minute of every day she breathed, doing something for somebody. But, she can't be baking pies to take to the sick. She can't be writing letters to lonely widows. She can't be crocheting little dolls to give to the "mentally underdeveloped" Not if there's a heaven. Because if there is, she is definitely in it. But the sick, lonely, and handicapped will not be. So what is she doing?

Oh yeah... that could be one of the reasons that Iris grew were I planted Columbine, and Day Lilies are where the Sweet Peas are supposed to be climbing. She's been in the yard switching bulbs and re-arranging my flower beds just so she can giggle watching me scratch my head and wonder, "What in the heck happened?". That sounds like something she'd be doing. She's probably putting a fat leaf over random solar lights just so she can clap her hands and tee hee while we try to figure out why one of them just won't shine for no apparent reason. She must be the phantom friend we see the dog playing with in the yard from time to time. Yup! She must be around enjoying life at the Hollow with us. At least, I like to make believe.....