The Junkyard I call my mind

Sometimes I wish it were possible to rip the thoughts out of my brain, throw them into a colandar, strain out all the useless ideas sloshing around in there, and let them slip into oblivian as they slip down the drain. Then perhaps I might write a profound, life altering letter to share with my posterity out of the lump of wisdom that remains.

Well, we know that's not going to happen, right? Should some unsuspecting reader stumble upon my late night musings, he/she will just have to sift the wheat from the chaff for his/her self.

As for me, I can't tell anymore what's of value and what isn't. Let me see if I can expand a little on what I mean.

I volunteer at the local museum. While working there I've had the great pleasure of becoming acquainted with a delightful, extremely well educated and diverse, woman who has offered to mentor me as I struggle to grow in spirituality. I am completely and utterly fascinated with her life and everything she has to say. She makes total sense to me. She encourages me to read the scriptures and pray constantly and to "just talk" with my Father in Heaven and the Savior. She encourages me to make them my resource for having a solid understanding of what I need to know to live in their presence again. That sounds uncomplicated enough. Now for the big BUT... (that's BUT... not BUTT. Let's not get too personal, here) She also encourages me to go "beyond" the lessons in Relief Society and Sunday School. To "expand" and enlarge my spirituality by connecting to who she refers to as my "heavenly people". I want to do that. I all too often feel like I'm still a little hungry for a deeper understanding of gospel principles after hearing the lessons at church. And yet, the manuals tell us not to bring in outside material, to teach ONLY from the instruction manuals. I'm sorry... that doesn't quench my thirst. Is that really all that our Father wants us to hear and to know? I don't always feel the connection between what is said, and how to incorporate it into my daily living. Oh, to be sure, some Sundays I feel like I can't contain all of the insight and wisdom that was given to me. But, generally, I want to know so much more about who I was before I came to earth and what promises I made when I crossed the veil. What am I supposed to be doing here? Have I grown in stature in mortality? I don't feel like I have. I feel somehow that I've been diminished, like I know less and understand less, and will have less to offer in way of service to Him when I die. LaVay, my museum friend, says that I have the right and the responsibility to ask for guidance directly from Heaven and to follow the personal promptings of the spirit that I receive. I'm a little afraid of that. There are a few things that we're taught that I have a hard time accepting. For example, I love my children and I would NOT, under any circumstances, tell one of them that they could not enter my home unless they told me they loved me in a very specific and exact manner. In the same respect, I can not imagie that our Heavenly Father is going to close the door on a child who can't repeat the phrases learned in the temple in the precise manner that he heard them. I believe in the ordinances of the temple... but, I have doubts about the necessity of rote memory as a pre-requisite for entrance into my Father's home or my Father's arms. There's a lot to be said about this... I'm sure that if we attend regularly our minds will be relaxed and open and we'll remember. I have a good memory anyway, and I'm not worried about that. I just don't believe that a loving Father would be adament about it. I mean, He KNOWS whether or not we've been there. We certainly don't need to prove it to Him. He's perfectly aware of how dedicated we have or haven't been to our responsibilities as members of this church on earth. So, what DO I need to know? What DO I need to accomplish to feel worthy when I stand before Him? I have always wanted to know more...to dig deeper. My dad used to talk to me about my inquisitive nature endlessly when I was a child. It's so easy to find myself walking a tightrope... I want to stay safe within the confines of the organized church... and yet, I want to explore and research and fill every crevice of my mind with knowledge from several springs. I think the standard works are the foundation. A foundation gives every building it's strength... but, not it's warmth.

I'm not comfortable about sending this into cyberspace. I don't want my daughter to think that I'm teetering on the brink of apostasy. I'm not. I like e-mailing so much better than this "blog" thing. I like the privacy of "morning pages" and the freedom to ramble without fear of trampling on someone else's belief system or feeling the need to explain myself. I don't think I have the hang of the type of things you're supposed to talk about on these sights. Is it just to keep people posted on what you're DOING... not what you're FEELING? I hope it would entail the free and open exchange of ideas. I'm more than willing to be taught. I will learn from Chandi... she is forever and always teaching me something. I learn from my four sons. They have strength and courage, gentleness and generosity that inspire me beyond my ability to express. I would listen to and learn from the purity of Jade and Cali and Tara... but, they don't read what I write or respond to my words. It is important for me to say that I don't want doubts about my love of the Savior to ever creep into the hearts or minds of any of the precious young people who occupy my life.

What the heck??? I'm rambling and I have to stop.

I have read the sights of all of Chandi's blog pals. It's been great. I love the depth of their commitment to their families and to doing what they feel is right and true to their best selves. I love the sense of humor that keeps motherhood fun and full of giggles. I'm going to continue to sneak peeks at their experiences and refresh my memory and my soul. I may even comment now and then.