I have a favor to ask of some of you teachers and retired teachers..
We have an 11 year old challenge in our family. He's such a dang smart kid. Davin is advanced years beyond his grade level in all of his subjects. BUT... he's not a good worker and he's completely unmotivated! Therefore his grades are mostly C and below. He's got some anger issues that I think stem from his mom abandoning him at a young age. He's my son Dustin's boy, and Dustin has had full custody since Davin was three and a half years old. Before that time he was sort of tossed from stem to stern...family to family. He's not at all rebellious...well...he does get angry at his Aunt Chandi from time to time, and he can be somewhat devious in his negative responses to her authority. She takes on the responsibility for his care and feeding quite often while her brother works. It will take him three hours to complete a 20 minute assignment, whether it's homework, yard work, or cleaning his room. He'sa maka her craceee! Well, truth of it is, he drives all of us a little bit nuts. Did I ever tell you what my husband said when I told him he was driving me nuts? He said, and this is a direct quote, "That's not a drive Caryn. It's a short putt." I'm getting off track, aren't I? Do you think Davin's lack of concentration and follow through could be genetic? Egads!
Anyway, she wrote about having a little pep talk with him and how it turned out. Or didn't turn out as the case may be. She was trying to find the function lever that would turn his brain onto a more optomistic approach to his life. Here's a Reader's Digest condensed version of her experience. She was giving him the old "You can do it if you just stop telling yourself you can't" talk. You may be familiar with "The Secret" and the idea that you will get back whatever you throw out to the universe. She told him that "Positive energy attracts positive energy" to which he replied, "Well, that just doesn't make any sense at all. A positive magnet doesn't attract another positive magnet. It attracts a negative. I can't even push two positives together."
uhh, well...mmmm... "that's not the way it works when it comes to mind power and the universe." Yeah, she was taken off her game a little. Dang sixth grader.
So... whaddaya think? We're not expecting a therapy session here... just a little response from teachers who may have had to deal with children like this in the past... or present. I was about as useful as a bent nail. We need expert HELLLLP!
I had originally asked you to check in on Chandi's blog site... but then I was reminded that her blog is an invitation only type of thing... so you can comment here and I'll have her read them on my site. Thank you, thank you...
Spring Clean Up in the Garden
15 years ago
12 comments:
Chandi's blog won't let you in unless you are invited. So I can only go by your post. Let me think on this a moment. Where to leave an answer?
I left this on Chandi's blog also. you can't read it unless you are part of her invitees.
well, you've got a challenge there...finding that something that attracts him or interests him and use that to motivate or reward him for doing other things like completing his homework, etc. I would think your dad who is a psychologist should be able to help with this problem.
I had a son like that who dropped out of high school after one year. He refused to go to school and I couldn't get him there, we tried home schools, private schools and a school out of state where he lived with his aunt. he got into drugs, ended up in a wilderness camp and finally years later came too and finished his HS equivalency degree and went to college and graduated in computer science.
it takes time and maturity. my son was angry for years because of the divorce between his dad and I...no easy solutions. prayer, patience, love and example help...not advice but listening to his feelings are my ideas.
You will probably have to comment here and I'll have her look in on my site. Thanks, Mare.
wow! he IS a dang smart little kid. And he's perfectly correct. A friend sent me the book The Secret...but I haven't read it. I gather it's along the "reap what you sow" concept and that's never gonna work for your grandson.
What I have seen start to work, in extreme instances, is a race...between the aunt, the dad, whomever. Either a race to finish the same assignment or he has an assignment he needs to finish and can select an "assignment" for the grown up to accomplish and then BANG...the starter gun sounds and off the 2 challengers go.
But Lin is probably right. He's going to be miserable but he will eventually outgrow this. At this point I don't see finding something he wants to do as a reward or involvement. He just has to work through this.
When the kids were young and at home, we'd have these clean the house moments. We'd set a timer for 5 minutes...we'd all be in the same room (and if you saw our house you'd know how tiny it was and how we'd bump into each other and laugh), and we'd clean like crazy...everyone having an assignment. When the buzzer sounded, finished or not, we'd be off to the next room for 5 minutes. We'd pair up for the bathrooms...and then each kid at 10 minutes in their own rooms. THEN a huge dessert. I got the house clean in short order. Perhaps he needs a timer and short spurts at the assignments and then off to do something fun for 10 minutes...something crazy and silly and with someone. NOT ALONE.
I too think that parents often underestimate the pain and anger kids suffer during a divorce and it does often linger for a long time.
Patience; consistent rules always enforced; acknowledgment, compliments, and rewards for good behavior and good choices; and reassurance that nothing will stop them from loving him will pay off eventually.
It sounds like he is in the right place, but it's likely to be an ongoing challenge to motivate. Watch for small things to compliment (not gush over, he'll recognize the phoniness); that's very powerful.
I wish I had some advice for you but this requires help beyond my limited skills. I'm dealing with a similar situation with a Young women in my ward. She's one of the smartest, most talented people I know. But she has a chip on her shoulder from past horrible experiences and she's throwing away her future because of it. It's hard to watch but I can only sympathize.
There's a book out there doing the rounds about how boys that age are competitive but that competition has been taken out of the world, so there's no motive at that age. So the race idea sounds like it might work. Eventually he can race against himself--beat his own time, earn time to himself, whatever.
That's a trying situation although not uncommon. If you can get him to realize the power that he has...he might begin to see that his future is going to be the direct result of his effort.
I had the serenity prayer[minus the beginning 'O Lord']up in my classroom, and taught the kids its meaning. Quite often they would be spinning their wheels over sommething that they have NO control over.[like the fact that his mother left.]I took my son for some counseling at age 10 and told the counselor what I wanted as the goal[end result] which was for my son to be able to say,"You don't get to choose your family. I drew a dud for a dad. It had nothing to do with me. I'm not going to wait around anymore. I want to cut my losses and get on with my life."
I would suggest a teacher conference where the child is present for at least a part of it. So that parent-teacher-kid-aunt combo sit down to plan a strategy for his success.So that there is an awareness that he knows that everyone is onboard and moving in the same direction.[communication] I would encourage Chandi to sit near him as he does homework, even if she is paying bills or cutting coupons. It helps focus and a sense of belonging and company.
Teach him to play backgammon. chess, checkers, or some boardgame that can be an incentive to play when his work is done.
It takes time and patience and consistency...and sometimes kids hit their stride at different ages.
Good luck. I wish you success.
Also, here are some books that I would read aloud a chapter or two and the kids would listen during study hall in 5th grade. It usually takes 2 chapters to hook them, and since the are listening and not reading it themselves, it is more enjoyable.
The Trumpet of the Swan by EB White
Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH by O'Brien[I think]
James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
Danger at Panther Peak by Bill Wallace [his other books,too]
The Indian in the Cupboard
All of these have been made into movies that are terrible and don't hold a candle to the story and imagination of the book.
And again, to really hook them, kids love to be read to...and it's relaxing and a good way to bond.
Ok..I am coming at this from a child of divorce who put my child through a divorce and a special education teacher. I know this probably is not something that most people are comfortable with, but I would seriously find a professional (not a family member) who deals with children and the boy talk to that person.
Divorce can lead to feeling of fault and/or abandonment on the part of the children. They can feel that something they did or did not do is somehow to blame. It sounds silly to us, but it can be very serious to them.
Also when a family is split up a child can feel a real loss for the parent who is not there and for the family unit that no longer exists.
The coping skills of children is limited and they will act out in other ways. The fact that he is bright, but not achieving is demonstrating that he doesn't have the skills he needs to cope with the demands that are being put on him.
My daughter's experience and her issues with being a child of divorce made her want to become a psychologist and help others.
Just my thoughts and I could be dead wrong.....You can always contact me at
ramblingwoods@gmail.com...
I didn't see all the other great replies that are similar to mine. You got great advice here Caryn....I probably sounded too much like a teacher instead of a friend which I consider myself to be. The child has your family and that makes him one very lucky and loved child which should really help him....Michelle..
This is such a hard thing to witness and try to remedy. There are so many excellent ideas that have already been given to you. My son was rebellious and unmotivated, too, for a while. Then he went into the Peace Corps, went off on his own around the world and somehow managed to grow up and become a good guy. I have a friend with 4 boys and she says sometimes they seem to just go insane in their young years and then come out of it. For a child who has issues to deal with, a professional counselor does wonders, too. I wish you the very best. Know that we are all thinking about you.
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