"If Only", "I Wish" and other forms of make believe...

My mother passed away 15 years ago this month. The fourth of July, actually. I remember thinking that night as we watched the fireworks explode into splinters of light in the sky, how quietly she had died. The life went out of her as smoothly as a lamp ceases to burn when the oil is gone.

She has not left my heart nor my memory that easily. And I don't want her to. So often, as I walk through the day I think, "If only mom was here to see this". "I wish mom was here to talk to about this." "If only mom could have heard that story. She'd have laughed herself into mild hysteria." "I wish...." "If only...."

I wonder what she's doing? It's certainly not hard to envision her as an angel. I never saw her as anything other than that. She was always, each and every minute of every day she breathed, doing something for somebody. But, she can't be baking pies to take to the sick. She can't be writing letters to lonely widows. She can't be crocheting little dolls to give to the "mentally underdeveloped" Not if there's a heaven. Because if there is, she is definitely in it. But the sick, lonely, and handicapped will not be. So what is she doing?

Oh yeah... that could be one of the reasons that Iris grew were I planted Columbine, and Day Lilies are where the Sweet Peas are supposed to be climbing. She's been in the yard switching bulbs and re-arranging my flower beds just so she can giggle watching me scratch my head and wonder, "What in the heck happened?". That sounds like something she'd be doing. She's probably putting a fat leaf over random solar lights just so she can clap her hands and tee hee while we try to figure out why one of them just won't shine for no apparent reason. She must be the phantom friend we see the dog playing with in the yard from time to time. Yup! She must be around enjoying life at the Hollow with us. At least, I like to make believe.....

Tangled Lilies, Intertwined Souls

I am constantly amazed at the ever changing beauty of our flower gardens this year. The delpheniums have been magnificent! The daisies, vibrant and full. The verbascum has seemed almost magical in it's old fashioned daintiness.

We have a few solar powered spotlights that we place in the garden here and there to allow us to see the blooms after nightfall. We live in the country, so it get's quite dark around 10:00 p.m. The only light is from the stars and the few lanterns on the pathway or under the cluster of Oaks.

Last night, I walked out onto the patio to sit in the Adirondack rocker our daughter gave us for Christmas and soak in the serenity. I noticed a tangle of lilies reflected in the soft, solar, light. There were several plants with varied shades from pale pink , to a tender magenta hue, that had been planted in what is known as "square foot gardening". The blooms had interspersed with one another and the effect was almost startling in the dark with one small spotlight shining only on them. They seemed to blend together effortlessly, yet each blossom highlighted another with it's contrast in form and color. Each individual flower was the more striking in the companionship of the others. And each flower seemed to be pointing to another as if to say, "Look at my friend. Isn't she beautiful?" And I was in awe.

As I sat there, the friendship between women came to mind. I thought of Lin. I reflected on how she draws people close to her, let's her mind and soul mingle with theirs. I thought of the other colorful women who's thoughts she has helped plant close to mine, and the way our souls have entertwined. Our ideas seem to blend so effortlessly as we share in one another's lives. I was struck with how each new friendship has highlighted another with the contrast's between us. We have been formed and colored by differing cultural upbringing and life experiences. As I pondered, I became aware of how each individual has become more striking, more stunning because of our differences, and in the companionship of one another. And then I realized how often Lin has pointed to one among us and said, "Look at my friend. Isn't she beautiful?" And I again, I was in awe.

How blessed I am. I have gardens of flowers with tangled lilies , and gardens of friends with intertwined souls.

Garage sales and Angels...

I stopped at a few garage sales this week-end and came home with an armful of books. I am a garage sale NUT! I don't know that I like buying other peoples cast offs as much as I like rummaging through other people's lives. I can be so nosy.

Anyway...as I was saying... books.

I think that you can tell a lot about people when you see the books they've read and the movies they've watched. The varied items set out on tables and blankets on the lawn speak volumes about the lives that have been lived by the people that either carefully placed their belongings for display... or just tossed them out to be rummaged through. I have a great time striking up conversations with the temporary "shop owners" selling their wares. I love to ask questions and sort through their responses. Nosy, remember?

Anyway... as I was saying... books.

I was drawn to some "Life After Death Experience" and other semi-religious or spiritual writings. I usually pick up motivational books, self help books, biographies, murder mysteries, a recommended novel, and children's books....I have a special affinity for children's books. I'm not interested in paperback love novels, text books, cook books, craft books - ie: Flower Arranging, How to make Window Boxes from Rusty Pots, How to Make Hats out of Old Kitchen Curtains and Empty Toilet Paper Rolls, and other do it yourself books.

I read one of the "Life After Death" books this afternoon while laying in the hammock and sipping a tall glass of iced tea. It got me thinking, and I guess I'd like to know what some of you think about angels, the spirit world, an after life...
and what you feel is your purpose here. What legacy do you want to leave behind?
I'm deeply rooted in my religious upbringing... but, I'd love to believe that Fairies really exist. I don't believe in re-incarnation... but facets of it seem so logical to me. I beleive in guardian angels and answers to prayer. I also believe in serendipity. Anyway, if anyone out there has an opinion, a thought, or some insight... Please share it.

For once... I'd so much rather listen than talk.

Tag... I'm it.

Tara tagged me with some questions that require at least some semblence of a memory. ha ha ha ha ha ahhhhhh ha ha ha. I can not remember what I was doing last Thursday and she wants to know:

What was I doing ten years ago?
1. Missing Chandi who had just become a bride.
2. Taking a great deal of pleasure in my first little grandson who was developing an extremely large vocabulary and making us all giggle a lot.
3. Working at North View Dental.
4. Loving Wayne and our children.

What was I doing five years ago?
1. Enjoying my second little grandson, who was full of vinegar and sweetness. A delightful combination.
2. Living too far away from my two cute grandbabies...
3. Gaining weight.
4. Loving Wayne and our children.

What was I doing five months ago.
1. If Chandi was on a cruise... then I was watching her three little boys.
2. Snuggling under a down comforter every chance I got cuz it was freaking COLD in Sanpete County!!!
3. Praying for summer to get here the first of April...shows you what kind of influence I've got.
4. Loving Wayne and our children.

Five things on my "To Do" list.
1. Call my high maintenance clients.
2. Write something on my blog. (well, something besides this)
3. Water and fertilize my flower gardens.
4. Throw something thru the t.v. screen (Wayne's watching "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly") Urp, Gag. Nasty movie!
5. Lose the weight I was gaining five years ago.

Five snacks I enjoy.
1. Hot Tapiocca pudding
2. Really high quality chocolates
3. 4. and 5. Grapes, tree ripened nectarines, cold crisp Gala apples (with p-nut butter), smoothies, cold cereal (dry... no milk) toasted English muffins (they make the best ones on the planet at a bakery in Ephraim). I think I overshot the mark, here.

Five things I'd do if I became a billionaire.
1. Write out a really hefty tithing check.
2. Set up scholarships at B.Y.U. Law School in my father's name, and missionary accounts for all my grandchildren and random needy families.
3. Set up trust accounts for my posterity.
4. Buy anything I wanted for anyone I felt like buying something for... yes, that means total strangers. Wouldn't that just be fun?? I'd have one whole bank account to use like a magic wand to grant wishes. I'd pay for dental work for a couple of my boys... Make a years house payments for lots of people to give them a chance to save and/or catch up. It also means me... flowers would be blooming everywhere at our little Kingdom at the Hollow. Wayne would have every piece of new farm equipment and cash to pay for a little help. sigh.....
5. Die with a smile on my face cuz I'd have had such a good time with my windfall. Heck... lots of people would have had a good time with my windfall.

Five bad habits
1. Eating in the car... from the minute I snap my seat belt to the time I take it off.
2. Putting off paying my bills just cuz I... well... I don't have a reason. It's just a bad habit. I open the bill, write out a check, put it in the envelope, place a stamp on it and carry it around in my purse until it's past due. Is that dumb or what?
3. Continue to drive without a license. I lost it... and I think it may be expired anyway. That's even dumber than item number two.
4. I "forget" to put my bra on. And when I do remember... I take it off in odd places.
5. I interrupt people when they're talking. Chandi loves me...but this particular habit of mine drives her nuts! And I give unsolicited advice... most of it probably bad.

Five places I have lived.
1. Southern and Northern California
2. Hawaii
3. Northern, Southern and Central Utah
4. The Pre-existance - not sure of the exact location
5. Paradise - The Hollow ... well, okay, it's not total paradise... but, it's close enough until I leave this mortal existance.

Five jobs I have had.
1. Hair stylist
2. Casualty Claims Adjuster - Allstate Insurance
3. Private Secretary
4. HIV/AIDS Director for American Red Cross
5. Realtor
and my FAVORITE:
WIFE, MOMMIE and GIGI

Five people I will tag.
Are you KIDDING me? I want to hang on to the few friends I've managed to make.

Spaghetti thoughts

I sat in church yesterday and fought the urge to speak up and say something that would have made my husband want to sink into the floorboards. Since I controlled the urge then... I think I'll get it out of my system now.

It just bugs me sometimes to see and hear the collective ego that can run rampant amongst "righteous people". Im sure it's not just my faith... well, pretty sure, anyway. The Sunday School teacher yesterday said, "Can't you just tell who are the members of our church in a crowd? You can always tell them. They look happier, and have a more wholesome countenance. I love keeping my eye open for members and seeing if I can't pick them out." Then a couple of other class members shared experiences that they'd had to prove his point and the "yeas" rang throughout the room. WHA??? What on earth would cause any one group of people to presume that they held the market on joyfulness and purity, twinkling eyes and "Miss Dairy America" smiles? It irritates the ..bleep bleep.. out of me. Good grief! If it were possible to tell the "righteous" from the "not so righteous" a story like Ted Bundy's would never be told.

And why are we out there looking for "our people" anyway? If we're as godloving and righteous as we claim to be, shouldn't we at least occasionally be spending our time on the lookout for the lost and lonely? Shouldn't we find delight in finding those bereft of hope and giving a hand up to someone who's in a spiritual, emotional or financial slump? I'd rather have my arm around the shoulder of a weeping soul who's looking to find his way back to the good life he can barely remember, than around the shoulder of some pompous, arrogant twit who thinks that his breed of faith gives him the corner on a peaceful face.

And then... in the women's group we got into a discussion on the responsibilities of motherhood and ridiculous promises were thrown out that if we have family prayer, and teach the kiddies church songs, and take them to their youth group activities, and do all the other wonderful things that we all WISH we always did as mothers, that they will never stray from the path to God and eternal life in His Kingdom. Poppycock! In the first place... none of us, and no one that any of us has ever met, meets the criteria for being the Perfect mother...although, mine came close. Stepford mom's, like Stepford wives, are the invention of a somewhat troubled mind. And why would a kind heart speak words in a public meeting that could wound another's heart? I just don't understand how we can be that unaware that a myriad of experiences fill the chairs in every gathering. I promise you this... in any congregation, in any church in the nation... there are mothers whose sons and/or daughters are caught in a tangled web of alcohol or drugs. There is someone sitting in that room who has a child in prison, who's son is gay, who's daughter just had a child out of wedlock... She's hurting and feeling all sorts of misplaced guilt. She needs someone to help her through this heartache... to help her feel like she belongs among the "Norman Rockwell" families she perceives to be all around her. She doesn't need us to stomp all over her pain, or to clumsily intensify her feelings of isolation.

We all do the best we can as mothers. Some didn't have great examples of nurturing to follow. Some were mothers at such a young age that they hadn't grown up themselves yet. Some were completely overwhelmed when too many babies came to quickly. Some have husbands who are neglectful or cruel. Some are happy, intelligent, sweet, and loving women who have done everything right...And some of every one of these groups have a child who has, or is, stumbling along a darkened and rocky road. Almost all of us have regrets...something we wish we'd done more of, less of, or differently. But we did what we knew how to do, what we thought was best at the time.

I heard a speaker years ago who said something that will always stick with me. Not only because his words are a salve... but, because his words make sense. He said,
"So many of us are puffed up and proud because all of our children have served missions for the church, been married in the temple, and have accepted callings of high positions. We stand tall, behind our facade of humility our eyes search for those who applaude our great parenting. But, there are among us parents who have hearts torn in two because they have children who have strayed, become lost, and are struggling mightely along lifes paths. Behind their smiles, their eyes are soft and they search with longing for someone who will understand, who can lift the burden of sorrow for a while. Let me suggest something to you. Is it not entirely possible that God in all of His infinite wisdom, looked at a difficult, rebellious spirit waiting to enter this mortal existance and said, "If this child has any chance at all, it's going to be with the _____ family". And he gave some of his most difficult, challenging spirit offspring to those He knew He could trust to be the most patient...who would be strong enough to carry the difficulties and disappointments... who would never stop believing in the precious child He had entrusted to their care, who would defend them, encourage them, pray for them, plead with them, ..forever, and for always. He found some of His most stalwart and faithful young parents, those He knew could withstand the lessons that would give them an understanding of the pain our Father in Heaven feels at the loss of so many of His own dearly beloved sons and daughters."

Makes sense to me. Anyway... I just had to let pressure out of the cooker before the top blew off and I had a spaghetti dish of stringy thoughts hanging all over the kitchen walls. I feel better now. I hope you're still doing okay.

Round One ended with an OOF

Dustin and Davin came down not long ago to join Wayne for some Jeep crawling in Moab for a week-end. Dustin brought down his beloved dog, Bronco, to stay with me while they were away. Now, Bronco is a beautiful German Short Hair Pointer! He's got more personality than 99.2% of the dogs on the planet. He's genuinely funny! And he's a pretty well behaved pup. You may know what I mean here, almost always comes after you've called him a dozen times or so. It should have been fun having him here to run and chase with Pogo, our generally sweet mutt. There was only one reason it wasn't a particularly good time....what am I saying? It was a royal pain in my sit spot. Our gentle by nature, happy little Pogo, seems to absolutely hate Dustin's bird dog. If they get within four feet of each other, Pogo snarls and growls and lunges and does his utmost to rip Bronco's throat out.

Bronco could take him...easy. And he knows it. However, that obvious fact, somehow, eludes our pup. It takes no less than an Olympic wrestling team to pull them apart.

So...since I am but one aging woman, with all the strength of your average hula hoop... I had to make sure they never got within sight of one another unless they were heavily chained to fence posts at opposite ends of the pasture. It was NOT a good time. If I put Bronco in the garage, he'd bark and howl and whine and slam his body against the door...for HOURS. So, I put Pogo in the garage and brought Bronco in with me at night.

Now, I can't even begin to explain how miserable it is having this animal sleep with you. He will NOT stay on the floor. Pogo will. He will NOT sleep at the foot of the bed. Pogo's lucky if he gets the chance. He will NOT stay on his own side of the bed. He will NOT stay on top of the covers. He has to crawl under the sheets with you and sprawl his two tons of dead weight across your legs... that is, until he decides to cram his head and co-co-cold nose into your jaw, throw his chest across your shoulder blades pinning your arms in place, and settle in for a while. I pushed and pleaded, "UGH"ed and "OOFed" half the night before I finally gave in, grabbed a gardening magazine I could barely reach off my nightstand, and pretended to read it until morning light.

Will I ever, ever, EVER be caught tending this nutty dog again? I'm pretty sure I will. So... the question is, I guess... Mirror, mirror, on the wall...who's the nutty one after all?

At this stage of the game...

At this stage of the game, I've just about decided that the weather can carry on with the soft flutter of snowflakes in winter.... or spring can finally carry it's profusion of petals on a warm breeze to my land. I almost don't care. I just wish Mother Nature would make up her mind.

It doesn't matter what I pull out of my closet to wear in the morning, I'm almost always wrong. I've taken the flowering plants that I purchased for my container and perennial gardens out to place them where I want them twice now.... and had to carry them back in because of the news announcments that a freeze could be expected in the next night or two. What the heck?

I'm about ready to pack up my capri pants, flip flops and granola bars and head to Kauii. A few months of playing in the surf, slurping the juice of a fresh pineapple slice, and listening to IZ would be a great balm for my withering hopes for summer

Anyone care to join me